That Tricky Relationship with Food

Good morning from my basement apartment where I'm about to eat the cereal in the light blue cup and drink the tea in the Princess themed cup.

I've had a really tricky relationship with food throughout my life. When I was a child, I ate a lot of Spam and Vienna sausage and noodles in a cup. I grew up with a lot of people and I think it was part of my very large family's way of saving money but feeding everyone who lived in that house. On top of my nuclear family, my two uncles and their families as well as my grandparents on my mother's side all lived with us. However, when I was young, we were all really active too. My dad coached the volleyball team I played on. I played basketball too. We were always on the move.

By the time I got to college, I had stopped eating meat. There were about 8 months there where I lived an entirely vegan lifestyle but then got called back to the animal world because of a really nice brie that got put in front of me one night. At my core, I really think that I should be vegan. I've got to hand it to the cognitive dissonance that allows me to consume animal products even though I've read things like Skinny Bitch, The Omnivore's Dilemma, Fast Food Nation and watched things like Fed Up, Cowspiracy and Cooked.

Speaking of Cooked, I binge watched all 4 episodes last night. Michael Pollan is a really interesting thinker and a really clean and clear writer which I admire and appreciate. He said something in an episode that really stuck with me- something to the effect of: I don't want to eat processed foods all the time because that makes me a passive consumer and I don't know about you but that's my least favorite identity. I prefer to be a maker, a creator.

Part of what I think has gotten me to where I am is this lack of time to make my own food. I know that cooking for myself is much healthier, but I've never been short of hobbies. Right now, I'm headed to my 6th grade classroom where I work part time. I'm working on a children's storybook. Tomorrow, I leave for Washington D.C. where I am speaking for Democracy Day. I'm also endlessly working on photo projects and other art projects and I'm finishing up my Masters in Art at NYU. My mom sometimes talks about eating out of boredom. For me, I don't think that's the case. I think I eat unhealthily out of sheer hunger and the lack of time and energy to make a better choice.

This is me, this morning. When I tell people I'm on a diet, a couple responses are possible. 1) "What?! Why! You don't need to be on a diet!" 2) "Oh, good for you! What diet is it?" 3) "What made you decide that!?"

My goal is to lose about 20 pounds. I acknowledge this is not the large sum that many people are trying to lose but it is tricky in its own way. I often feel "close" to my goal and then end up cheating, somehow convincing myself it's okay. That's part of why I started this blog. If my self-talk can convince me to eat unhealthily, surely I can harness that power to use it for the opposite effect!

Here is a photo of me just 4 years ago when I was 124 pounds, in my prime acting and modeling life. I'm on the right. I was booking jobs constantly. I was confident enough to wear a top without sleeves because I wasn't insanely self conscious about my arm fat.

Speaking of arm fat, this weekend I went swing dancing with my sister. A cousin of ours took a video and I saw my back for the first time in a while. I'm not sure I knew that I could be self conscious about my back until I saw that video played back to me!

Another thing that I find myself self-talking about is confidence and what "matters". I don't like to feel like I'm vain or self-centered and sometimes the desire to be "skinny" makes me feel like I'm just being superficial. It's not about being "skinny" even though that's a nice byproduct. I feel so much healthier when I eat well. I can do more. I can think more clearly. I can enjoy the taste of my tea more. I don't huff and puff when I climb the 3 flights of stairs to my classroom.

To a day of being 100% on plan! I hope you will be too.