I'm not scared of you. The truth is I'm scared of getting tired, I'm scared of getting bored, I'm scared of running.
It's true ok, is that what you wanna hear? I think of simple moments where I'm not distracted by some gigantic dream that I could spend my entire life trying to eat and never even skim the cream off the top. I think of moving back to California and I dream of marrying you and it would be this small-ish gypsy wedding- as small as it could be while still holding all our friends- and there would be gold and champagne and blueish green because you really like blueish green. It would be this kind of ocean thing since you love being in the water and I love sitting on the sand. I think about learning to dance with you and moving into a small home and staying still and not wanting to move around. I don't remember ever not wanting to move around but I think life would be so happy and so full if I could learn to just stay still. I'm always inside the next moment. I can't wait to inhale the next breath that I never really taste this one and then not only is it gone, I'm breathless and I don't know where to go from there except to the next thing. I think about having children with you. I think about being a mother and that makes me happy to think of a baby girl sitting in my arms and you kissing my forehead. I think of things like this all the time. How could I not? You are exactly who I want to sit under the covers with eating ice cream. You are exactly the boy who I would watch football for. You're exactly the boy who could get me riding a motorcycle even though they scare me. You're exactly who I want raising my children. But I'm scared, not of these things but of getting tired of them eventually and wanting to get up and move away again and start a new life again the way I have every time I've gotten the least bit sleepy in whatever world I'm sitting in. I'm not scared of starting a life with you. I'm scared of leaving it behind.